Everyone is talking "green" lately, so I decided to put my HOA-engineered community covenants to the test. Just how "green" could I actually live on my little slice-o-heaven in suburbia?
Test 1: Permaculture. Like urban gardens featured in chic metro magazines, I'm envisioning a couple of chickens, a small goat, and a recycled-rain-fed pond keeping my crops fertilized and hydrated. Community covenant section 7.9 forbids the keeping of any pet beyond a "traditional domestic household pet". Test 1: fail
Test 2: Less "lawn", more "edibles". Lawns serve no purpose. They don't feed us; they waste manpower & energy; they're high maintenance. However, the board of our "first-class residential project" tsk-tsks at any proposals suggesting the transformation of lawns into lush edible landscapes of fruit trees and berry bushes. A variety of covenants forbid altering front-yard landscapes or erecting fences or support structures. The useless greening of a well-manicured lawn is an absolute mandate. Test 2: fail
Test 3: Simple vegetable garden. No permaculture, no urban farm. How about a simple vegetable garden? "Protective" covenants state that "only single family detached homes" may have a vegetable garden "located in the rear yard". Vegetables gardens are "not to exceed 100 square feet and may not contain any plant that exceeds 3 feet in height". Sshhh -- I live in a townhome and I'm planting four separate plots totaling 200+ square feet. In those plots, I'm planting cucumbers and peas that exceed 5 feet in height. Sue me. Test 3: fail
Test 4: Reduce dependency on household appliances. There's nothing like the fresh scent of sheets blowing in the wind, air-drying by the heat of the sun. Alas, community covenant section 7.11 forbids the hanging of clothes lines anywhere within public view. Personally, I could tolerate the occasional site of my neighbor's size 18 underwear in exchange for a reduced environmental impact. Maybe if people HAD to expose their clothing sizes to public scrutiny more often, we'd walk more and drive less. Not surprising, there is no mention (positive or negative) of solar panels. Test 4: fail
Test 5: Optimize living capacity of existing square footage. We have more space in our home than we need...a couple of extra bedrooms and an entire basement. Renting out the space seems like an economical win-win for everyone. Section 7.26 hereby thwarts such efforts to co-habitate with a lessee. Test 5: fail
Test 6: Operate a home-based business. Say my illegal vegetable plot yields a cornucopia of healthy, fresh treats and I want to start a home-based business serving local restaurants in a van painted with a cute logo. Word gets around and people start coming to my home to buy my delicious fresh delights. According to Section 7.24, thou shalt NOT operate a business where people actually come to your home. Nope. Unh-uh. They'll tolerate none of that "communing". As for my cute company logo? According to Section 7.8, it must be banished from site. Thou shalt NOT force anyone to view a vehicle with a company logo (BMW, Mercedes, or Jaguar logos are the apparent exception). Test 6: fail
Test 7: It takes a village. I don't have kids at the moment, but I thought, wouldn't it be nice to have shared child-care services in our community? You know, neighbors helping neighbors. This community of 4500 homes used to have several daycare providers; however, they were recently run out of town like a posse of dirty crooks. The arguments against this intolerable community service went something like this: "The kids playing outside make my dog bark." "The swing set is unsightly." "The four cars pulling into your driveway to drop off children between the hours of 8:00 and 8:30 are a nuisance." Thanks to an unknown covenant that I’ll be darned if I can find, day cares exceeding 5 children are hereforth banned. Test 7: fail
Good luck in your efforts to green America, Mr. Obama. You're up against an intolerant Planned Community Gestapo armed with gates, by-laws, creeds, and covenants.